


new eyes and extra colors

by octoberwithoutyou



Series: of wars [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Post-Rogue One, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 22:13:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9291737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octoberwithoutyou/pseuds/octoberwithoutyou
Summary: They survive Scarif. Bodhi has to adapt to a new environment, a not so new group of people, and a life long series of negative thoughts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> it's not neccesary to read the first part to understand the other! but it is sorta connected. especial thank yous to sarah for reading it first, and thank you for reading it now.

After Scarif, they were taken to Medcenters on Yavin 4, urgently. Bodhi just remembered fragments of his way there, of hands holding him back, a body lying next to him, a pain so blinding it was the reason he couldn’t stay conscious for long.

He then remembered being placed on a bacta tank, trying to struggle, and then everything fading to black again.

When he finally stayed awake for longer than a minute, he quickly took in his surroundings. There was a few bacta patches on his legs and arms, and for brief second, he thought he was back in his home, and his mother had just patched him up after falling off a tree and scraping his knees.

But everything around him was a cynical white that screamed medical bay. Why was he there? And why did his head hurt? He brought up a hand to the side of his head, and froze. It was gone, his hair was gone. His past started mixing with the present, and he didn’t know where one ended and the other began. He was at the base again, but he was on a med bay, and it was getting harder to breathe-

A hand cut through the fog, and it took Bodhi a moment to realize it was on his shoulder. He jumped slightly and looked up. The nurse was looking down at him with worry, but also relief.

“Mr. Rook, I’m happy to see you awake.” She said softly. “I’m going to change your patches now, if you don’t mind.”

Bodhi watched her work, a frown on his face, catching his breath still. Back at the base, patches were a luxury, and considered unnecessary in most of the cases. He should know, he was a bit clumsy, and had to suffer minor accidents without any aid.

“Where…” He rasped, and cleared his throat. “Where am I?”

The nursed stopped working and turned to him. "You are in Yavin 4, on the Alliance's Medcenter. Are you having problems remembering?" She asked, pulling out a datapad out of her coat and typing something. "Tell me, what was the last thing you remember?"

"I... The beach. There were too many troopers, and we had to send the transmission. Send the transmission, and the bomb-" He cut himself off, eyes widening. If it weren't for the nurse, that was almost on top of him, he would have stood up. "The bomb! Where are the others? Did they-?"

"The others are fine, and are waiting anxiously for your recovery." She replied calmly, a fond annoyance in her voice. "You were all incredibly lucky."

"Did we make it?" He asked quietly, some of his worry gone with her words. But still, if they didn't manage to send the transmission, if they had failed...

The nurse stayed quiet for a second, glancing at the door. "I am not the one to deliver the news, but I don't want you to worry, as it's bad for the recovery. So I will just say, yes."

Bodhi laid back on the bed, feeling drowsy. "Thank you." He muttered, closing his eyes. He had done enough. And now he was...

It didn't matter. If he died, he thought, that would be the last part of his sacrifice, of his redemption. His life wasn't enough for all the lives he'd helped kill, but-"The medicine might make you a bit sleepy, don't worry." The voice of the nurse cut through his thoughts. She said something else, but he was already falling asleep. The last thing he heard was "-is going to be pleased with the news-" and footsteps getting softer in volume until they vanished.

 

The first visit he received in the medbay was from Cassian. Bodhi was still getting used to his surroundings, and didn't feel as tired. The nurse- "Call me D'ora", she had told him once. "Madam makes me feel old."- had tried to get him to eat something solid, with disastrous results. She had still insisted on him having regular meals, and he drank the liquids she prepared for him, even though he could barely stand the taste.

Apparently, the shakes hadn't worked, because Cassian's first comment as he entered the medbay was 'you are too skinny'.

Before D'ora chimed to agree and team up against him, Bodhi spoke up. "I've always been this way. It's not a problem."

Cassian limped up to the chair next to Bodhi's bed. There were a few cuts on his face, and a cast on his arm. Once he was closer, Bodhi could distinguish dark circles under his eyes, as if he hadn't been able to sleep. It seemed they were having opposite problems.

"I'm glad to see you awake." Cassian said with a little smile. "You were worrying us for a moment."

"I was? I'm sorry."

"No, it's..." He looked away, sighing. Bodhi noticed D'ora was gone. "You were the last one to wake up. You and Chirrut. People were expecting the worst."

"Me too." Bodhi confessed. "I was expecting the worst, too."

Cassian nodded, lowering his head. He rubbed his eyes. "But the worst didn't happen, and we're here." He said, and to Bodhi it sounded as if that was something he had been repeating himself before.

"D'ora is mad at us." He continued on a conversational tone. "We've been trying to visit you since we were allowed to leave our rooms."

"We?" Bodhi asked, stifling a yawn.

"Jyn usually joins me. Baze comes, too, but mostly stays at Chirrut's bedside." Bodhi nodded. Were everyone in first name basis? He wasn't sure he was comfortable with that, but then again, he wasn't sure how much time had passed. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Are they okay?"

"Yes. Baze, Chirrut and you received the most damage, but now you're the only one who's still in observation."

Bodhi didn't know how to take the news. "I'm glad everyone's okay." He finally replied. "I think I'm falling asleep."

Cassian stood up quickly, helping Bodhi lay back on the bed and watching he wasn't putting pressure on his bacta-covered burns. Bodhi didn't need that, as he had gotten used to do it himself, but he let Cassian do it anyway. He was already dozing off, and didn't really want to test Cassian's stubbornness. When he fell asleep, the last thing he saw was Cassian's tired smile.

 

His next visit was Jyn.

D'ora had said he was recovering quickly, and let him roam around the medbay instead of just laying and sitting on the bed. He could now eat solid food, much to both the nurse's relief and his own. When she had asked him what he liked to do as a hobbie, he hadn't answered at first simply because he didn't know. The last time he had free time, he had been a kid, and he doubted he could play ball, despite the evolution of his injuries.

She gave him a datapad full of holovids and books, and told him to look for whatever he liked. A few hours later, he was on a chair, watching a holovid manual on how to properly clean a control panel of a large ship. He knew how to do that, but he found it comforting. He had already watched it a few times, and was pressing the replay button when he heard someone knocked on the door.

"Bodhi?" Jyn called, opening the door. He invited her over with a nod and turned off the datapad.

She entered, closing the door behind her, with the certainty of someone that had been there before. So Cassian wasn't lying about the others visiting. She sat on the bed, not entirely facing him. She had a few bandages on her head and his feet was on a cast. Other than that, and the second hand clothes the Rebellion had provided, she looked the same as before. He hadn't really talked to her, and the thought of making small talk already made him tired. He brought a hand up to the place his goggles usually wear and his face fell.

The goggles were destroyed in Scarif, and Bodhi knew it was logical, and he knew he shouldn't be attached to a simple object, but it was still hard for him. He had felt incredibly sad when D'ora had told him that, and he still felt sad when she suggested to look for similar goggles. His hair and then the goggles. He had been subjected to many changes in little time, but Bodhi felt the smallest changes were the ones that hurt the most.

They stayed in silence. If Jyn thought it was an uncomfortable one, she didn't do anything about it. Bodhi almost wished someone would arrive, because he knew what she wanted to ask.

"Cassian says hi. He's working on transferring K-2SO personality onto another droid." She spoke up.

"Oh." Was all Bodhi said. He had never thought of the droid, convinced he had gotten out of it.

"He was really sad. First Kaytoo, then you..." She continued.

"But I'm fine now."

She smiled. "Yes, you are." She looked around the medbay. "I just came here to check on you."

Bodhi nodded. He figured he would get it done with. "I met your father."

"I know." She replied, turning to face him entirely. He waited for a question, anything, but it didn't come. "You told me during our mission. You said you didn't quite know him."

"I didn't." He said, licking his lips.

She pointed at the datapad laying on Bodhi's lap. "What were you watching?"

Bodhi smiled, and told her everything. He stopped a few times, but she seemed entertained. When she left the room, he felt a big weight off his shoulders. He knew he didn't have to talk about the past, if he didn't want to.

 

Chirrut and Baze were the next to visit. Most of the patches on Bodhi's body were gone, and D'ora gradually stopped the medication that had made him drowsy and dizzy. He was still in observation, and Bodhi suspected it had something to do with him being a [defector] from the Empire. Jyn had visited, telling him with amusement how angry Cassian was about that decision. Later, Cassian had visited, only to assure Bodhi he was not mad at all, and not to worry about it. Bodhi had decided to believe Jyn.

Chirrut walked in the room helped by his staff, like a cane. Baze followed, looking ready to catch Chirrut if he fell. Baze's hair was cut, and his posture seemed painfully straight. They seemed to be the most affected by the events in Scarif, but they didn't seem upset, or mad. Chirrut was smiling, and Baze was making a face that was probably from supressing a smile.

"Bodhi Rook, it is good to see you awake." Chirrut said. Baze rolled his eyes and Chirrut's smile grew wider. "It's a figure of speech, Baze."

"I know." He replied, and turned to Bodhi. He had seen Baze Malbus in action, and seeing him smile was almost like they were different people. "But we are glad you have recovered."

"We haven't visited earlier because of...complications." Chirrut explained. Baze pointed at the chair, and tried to help the other sit. Tried being the key word, because Chirrut refused any help with a playful smile. Baze eventually gave up, trying to look mad but failing as he smiled back. To Bodhi, they looked younger, teasing each other as if they were in the beginning of a relationship. Bodhi looked away, feeling it was too intimate for him to watch.

"It's fine." Chirrut said, as if he had seen Bodhi. "Throughout the years, we've become less affective in public. But a near death experience is apparently enough to reverse that."

"That's his excuse, anyway." Baze chimed.

Bodhi watched their exchange quietly. He didn't feel left out, on the contrary. He felt amazed at how two powerful men could behave so differently outside the battlefield. He appreciated how they let him see both parts.

"We can't take long, unfortunately. We have a checkup after lunch, so we're running late."

"Lunchtime is over?" Bodhi asked, glancing at the chrono. Normally, D'ora would bring over his food, but she had been busy those past few days. He had missed a few meals. He hadn't said anything. It didn't feel like a strong enough reason to address. They had enough mouths to feed, it was probably better.

"What do you mean?" Baze asked.

"Nothing. I lost track of time."

"You haven't eaten lunch."

"No." Bodhi said, running a hand through the back of his head, where hair was beginning to grow. "It's fine, I'm not really-"

"You need food to recover!" Chirrut exclaimed, standing up, with no apparent difficulty. "No wonder you still look sick."

"It's my complexion." Bodhi explained, already used to those sort of comments. "Really-"

"I'll be right back." He said, out of the door. Bodhi watched him go, not quite knowing what had happened.

"He's going to get you food." Baze explained, sitting next to Bodhi on the bed. The bed dipped under their weight. "If there's something you need to know, it's that you can't stop Chirrut."

"I'll keep that in mind." Bodhi muttered.

"I can tell him to stop." He added, his tone serious but kind.

"I thought you can't stop Chirrut." Bodhi repeated, making Baze smile. Bodhi found himself smiling back.

"I can. But I can gently suggest him to stop. The decision is up to him, but if you're uncomfortable, he will stop."

"It's fine." Bodhi replied.

"I mean it." Baze said firmly, and Bodhi looked down. "I mean it." He said again, softer. "I don't know how things were in the Empire, but here, they care." He thought a moment before he added: "We care." He sounded as uncomfortable and out of place as Bodhi felt, but it was still sincere. "There are fights you don't have to fight alone."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it." Baze wasn't a man of words, but Bodhi didn't mind. They stayed in a comfortable silence until Chirrut returned, almost dragging an startled soldier that had just happened to walk in, and who was holding a tray of food.

The soldier left the tray and said his goodbyes with almost reverence before rushing out of the room. "They think we're heroes, Bodhi." Chirrut explained, clearly amused. "You'd be surprised at how willing they are to help us."

They left Bodhi with his food, Chirrut making him promise to eat it all. They told him they would visit as soon as they could. As they walked out the door, Chirrut told Baze something in a language Bodhi didn't understand. Baze muttered something back, looking away. Chirrut laughed, and as they disappeared out of the room, Bodhi swore he saw him press a quick kiss on Baze's blushing cheek.

 

There were times (sometimes when he had visits, mostly when he was alone) when he would feel an emptiness crawling through his chest, making its way up to his head, spreading through his body. He would look at his hands, but he couldn't feel them shaking. He would desperately hold onto his memories, but they would slip away until he didn't know who he was, where he was. He would only feel empty.

Those episodes were lessening, and they didn't last long, but they left Bodhi shaking. One day, as Cassian and Jyn were visiting, Cassian had silently left a holovid on the bed. When Bodhi had looked at it questioningly, Cassian had said: "For when you feel bad, and we aren't there."

Bodhi had played it when they had left. It a simple video of them saying phrases they usually used when they saw him in that state. They told him what his name was, where he was, and why he was there. They had also included a few parts of piloting videos. When he saw it, he felt his eyes sting. He put it under his pillow.

 

The last visit Bodhi got on his medbay room included everyone that had visited before, plus a new visitor that was not quite unfamiliar to Bodhi.

K-2SO looked normal, not a trace of the things he had endured in Scarif, but he remembered everything, up to the point where he sacrificed himself so Jyn and Cassian could continue looking for the Death Star's blueprints. Cassian explained that he had transferred K2's personality to another droid model.

"They helped me find it, and repair it." He added, and Bodhi supposed he meant all of them, as they all shared knowing smiles.

K-2SO expressed how happy he was to see him alive, despite his calculations on their possibility of surviving. "He's mad he was wrong." Cassian commented, and smiled when K2 scoffed.

D'ora had said he could now leave the medbay, and they were going to take him to the cafeteria. "They arranged a meal in your honor." Jyn said.

"And it was a surprise." Baze replied, to which Jyn just shrugged.

"They did the same to us."

Cassian had brought a few flowers tied together with a leather string. He said it was tradition in his planet to bring them to an ill person, but he hadn't been able to get them before. He was a little red in the face.

"Tradition?" Chirrut asked in sport, handing Bodhi some clothes so he could change from the robes the Medcenter had provided. "You never brought us flowers, captain Andor."

Baze elbowed him, and Cassian turned redder, but said nothing.

 

They walked together to the cafeteria, where they were received like heroes. Bodhi was relieved to see they were all as uncomfortable as him. Once they ate, Jyn found a way to sneak out. Then Chirrut and Baze did the same. Bodhi saw Cassian muttering something under his breath to K2.

"Bodhi." Cassian then said. "Do you want to get out of here?"

Bodhi looked around. "What about..."

"K2 will distract them." He stood up and started making his way among the crowd (the cafeteria was way too small for that many people) and Bodhi followed him. He was fast, and he wouldn't catch up with him if it weren't for the slight limp he had. They didn't walk long until Cassian stopped outside one of the buildings next to the Medcenter, and sat down with his back against the wall. He patted the spot next to him, and Bodhi sat down with him.

"I don't like it. Being called a hero." Cassian said, as if explaining himself. Bodhi made a noise to let him know he was listening. "I'm not one. I'm just a soldier."

Bodhi nodded. He thought he understood what Cassian was saying.

"Better people deserve that title." He concluded stiffly, as if he hadn't meant to say that.

"I understand." Bodhi said, wishing he had something better to say. "We were just completing a mission."

Cassian smiled as if Bodhi had said something funny. "Yes, we were." He looked through the pockets of his jacket and pulled out a bag, handing to Bodhi. "This is for you."

"You already got me something." Bodhi said, eyeing the bag but not taking it. He tried to guess what it could be, but it didn't have a particular shape.

"Consider it a gift from us, and from D'ora." He replied, but lost confidence. "It's fine if you don't want it."

Wordlessly, Bodhi took the bag and pulled out a pair of goggles. They looked similar to the ones he had. In fact...

"The only good thing about being considered a hero," Cassian commented. "is that finding things is faster. Especially when they were formerly from the Empire."

Bodhi stared down at the goggles for a little too long, he realised, because when he looked back up Cassian was frowning. "Is it okay?"

Bodhi placed the goggles atop his head, where his hair kept growing. They weren't his glasses, but it was... something. "It's okay."

 

If Bodhi had to pinpoint the exact moment he found out about his crush on Cassian, he would have to say it was when they were both meeting a few members of High Command. Bodhi was there because he had offered to give information in the Empire’s trading system.

It had been a long day, and the meeting still hadn’t ended. Bodhi was tired but he could see Cassian was even more so. He suspected he didn’t sleep as much as he had to. They were given five minutes to take a break, and Bodhi went to get them both cafs.

When he returned and handed Cassian his caf, he said something. Bodhi didn’t remember what it was, a comment of something he’d seen on his way, maybe. It was particularly funny, and maybe it was because he was tired, but Cassian started laughing. 

At first he had tried it to muffle it, but he kept laughing, his voice shaking and eyes watering. When Bodhi asked him if he was okay, he just shook his head, leaving the caf on the table so it wouldn’t spill. 

After a long minute, he calmed down, wiping the tears out of his eyes and apologizing to everybody before returning to a neutral expression, sipping on his caf.

“I’ve never heard him laugh before.” Bodhi heard someone said at the end of the meeting, as everyone cleared the room. 

“Me neither.”

Thinking back at that moment, he had two thoughts. The first one, that if that was true, he hoped to see Cassian laugh more. And second one was the realisation that he wanted to be the one to make Cassian laugh more. He was screwed.

 

They couldn't do much. They were still recovering, and in one meeting with Mon Mothma and Jan Dodonna, they were told not to worry, that their plans to destroy the Death Star were now (thanks to them, they emphasized) strategized in their totality, and that they had already assigned roles. The only thing they should worry about, they continued, was their recovery. They would tell them if they needed their help.

 

Chirrut told him he and Baze were going to stay there, but not for long. "We'll find a planet where we can live peacefully. We are not as young as we like to think, unfortunately."

"But do keep in touch." Baze said. "Chirrut has grown fond of you."

He had started to leave, but Chirrut lingered. "He has too, but he won't admit it." He shot Bodhi a smile and quickly returned to Baze's side. After that, Bodhi felt strangely warm for the rest of the day.

 

Jyn was staying. "I think that's why my father would have done, you know?"

"No, I don't." Bodhi replied.

 

Bodhi tried to ignore the crush. He wasn’t a man of relationships, he reminded himself, running a hand through his newly grown hair. It wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be, but he could be stubborn when he wanted to.

 

Cassian had been the most annoyed when they received the new that they wouldn't go back to battle in a long time. He didn't like inaction, K2 told Bodhi one day. Once they took the cast on his arm off, he helped in what he could, going on meetings that would last hours, probably discussing the next course of action. And the time he wasn't giving his advice on those meetings, he was with Bodhi.

Bodhi thought it was because he had been told to keep an eye on him, for reasons he didn't like to think about, but he didn't mind. Cassian didn't make him talk, and was willing to share his limited knowledge on the Alliance's ships. Most of it Bodhi had already learned it from the holovids, but he liked to hear Cassian's voice.

"How do you feel?" He asked occasionally. "Now that there's not much to do."

Bodhi would either answer 'fine', or ramble about something else. He knew there wasn't a wrong answer (Cassian had assured him that much), but he wasn't sure he could describe how he felt.

He understood Cassian's frustration. Vacations wasn't exactly a well-known concept in the Empire. He felt fine, so why couldn't he continue working?

But he also felt bad, an uneasy feeling on the pit of his stomach that didn't leave him alone. Had he done enough? Could he do more? Every moment he spent doing nothing, it was a moment he could use to help the Alliance. He left as if he had to prove someone he was more than all those years he had served the Empire. That he was more than the blood he'd shed, the blood that still haunted him.

Bodhi tried to think on how to tell that to Cassian. He repeated the words in his head, excluding some parts, of course, so when Cassian asked, he would give him a truthful answer, the answer he deserved.

But when Cassian asked, he opened his mouth, ready to deliver the answer. Instead, he started babbling. He forced himself to stop talking, and looked away, angry at himself.

"It's fine." Cassian said, looking unsure on how to proceed. "But you're not feeling fine, are you?"

Bodhi nodded, still looking away.

"I'm also not really good at...talking. About this, I mean." He started, sighing. "I understand if you don't want to talk-"

"I do!" Bodhi cut him off, turning to Cassian. He arranged the goggles atop his head, thinking. "I want to talk about this. I just... I don't know."

"Would it help if I talked first?" Cassian asked.

"You don't-"

"No, it's only fair. It's fine." He assured him. "I'm not used to this. I've always been working, since I was a kid. This is all a little frustrating."

There was something more to it, but Bodhi didn't push.

"I... I just feel... useless." Bodhi said. That wasn't the word, but it was close. "I need to do something. Because I... I'm not..."

Cassian nodded at him, prompting him to keep going but without rushing him, and Bodhi licked his lips, starting over.

"They still think I'm with them. With the Empire. And I don't want to feel like I'm with them anymore. I need to help the Alliance."

"To redeem yourself." Cassian finished softly.

"It's selfish."

"Not at all." Cassian said, smiling softly at Bodhi and standing up. He offered Bodhi his hand to help him up. "I think I have an idea. But we should get going to lunch now."

Bodhi took Cassian's hand and stood up, starting to walk to the cafeteria. He didn't see Cassian's look of surprise, and then of happy acceptance on his face when Bodhi didn't let go of his hand.

In Bodhi's defence, he wasn't really thinking. If he were thinking, he would have reminded himself he had exactly been wanting to ignore this, to ignore the electric feeling that ran up his arm, settling in his chest.

In the end,It just felt like something he had to do. One touch wouldn’t hurt.

 

The next day, Cassian took Bodhi to the hangar. It was buzzing with activity, mostly recruits in piloting lessons. “I spoke to a guy who owned me a favor.” He explained as they walked quickly across the place. “He used to be a pilot, but now he mostly teaches.” He stopped in front of a Y-Wing. “He’ll be here in a moment.”

“What are we doing?” Bodhi asked.

“Right, sorry.” He blushed. He did that a lot, Bodhi noticed. “You said you were a cargo pilot.” Bodhi nodded. “I thought that maybe, to pass the time, you could learn how to fly a starfighter. I know it’s not exactly what you want, it’s the best I could do.”

Bodhi looked up at the Y-Wing. “I… I wanted to be a starfighter, when I enlisted. I didn’t pass the test.” He muttered.

“There’s no test now. It’s just a few lessons.”

“Cassian, I don’t… I didn’t pass the test for a reason. I’m not good enough pilot for a starfighter.”

Cassian frowned. “That’s what the lessons are for, Bodhi. I don’t think you’ll have a problem. I think you’re one of our best pilots.”

Bodhi scanned Cassian’s face. Cassian held his gaze, looking sure of his words. “I can try.” Bodhi finally said, and Cassian smiled. 

Bodhi smiled back, and thanked the Gods the pilot had arrived in that precise moment. He quickly said goodbye to Cassian and almost jogged to the ship. This was getting harder than imagined.

 

Chirrut invited Bodhi to meditate with him and Baze before they left. “I don’t-” Baze started, but then sighed. “Fine.” 

Bodhi had never meditated before, but he agreed. He felt honored they had invited him. They had told him they had found a planet (“At first I couldn’t convince Baze, until I told him it rained regularly there.” Chirrut confided him.), and Bodhi was going to miss them. 

He arrived to a small garden outside the base, where Chirrut told him to meet them. Chirrut was sitting on the ground, legs crossed. He didn’t seem uncomfortable with the position, and Bodhi wondered how he had recovered so quickly. Baze was standing by his side, and nodded at Bodhi when he walked in, while Chirrut patted the place next him. Bodhi sat down, trying to imitate Chirrut’s relaxed posture.

Chirrut taught him some tips in breathing meditation. “A negative, disturbed state of mind is like pitch-black cloth. We cannot dye pitch-black cloth any other colour unless we first remove all the black dye and make the cloth white again.” He told him. 

They didn’t talk much after that. Even when they finished, and walked back to the base, he kept thinking of his words. He asked around and got some holovids on meditation. It couldn’t hurt to try.

 

“Cassian told me to keep an eye on you, in case you feel lonely.” K2 announced, walking into Bodhi’s bunk.

Bodhi had just arrived from flying lessons, and was reading on the datapad D’ora had given him all those days ago. “I’m fine.” He said, but K2 still came in.

“He also told me to keep you company, regardless of your answer.”

“You probably have something better to do.”

“I could go back to the meeting Cassian is, but I doubt he would like it.”

“I thought you didn’t care if he agreed with you.”

“I don’t.” He replied, and Bodhi he heard amusement in his voice. “But I’d rather stay here. Most people in those meetings don’t trust me.”

“Oh?” Bodhi asked, turning off the datapad to turn to the droid.

“Even though I was reprogrammed by Cassian, there are people who have doubts of where my loyalty lie.” 

Bodhi nodded. He understood. Bodhi was used to people staring back in the Empire, and he wasn’t surprised that was still the case in the Rebellion. “Is it because of your new body?”

“It’s always been like that. They only reason they haven’t deactivated me is because Cassian hasn’t allowed it.”

“Cassian’s a good person.” It ended up sounding like a question. K2 stared at him with what Bodhi thought was a droid’s version of a weird look.

“If I had to describe him, those are the words I would use, yes.” K2 eventually said. “Not to his face, of course.” 

That made Bodhi smile. He found out it was quite easy to talk to K2, and the fact that they both defected from the Empire made him feel a connection he hadn’t felt with the others. And he had really funny embarrassing stories about Cassian. After that day, they started talking more regularly.

 

The base, at night, was almost eerily quiet. Most people were sleeping, and those who weren’t worked in the utmost silence. 

The lumen globes and artificial lights also seemed brighter, Bodhi noted, squinting as he walked down the hall. He was doing the breathing exercises Chirrut had taught him. Bodhi had found out they helped him calm down when he felt panicked, or in that night’s case, when he was having a nightmare. 

He didn’t think he could go back to sleep, and his still half-asleep mind thought a walk would be a good idea, so he slipped out of bed and started walking aimlessly.

He stumbled with something on the ground, and when he looked down, mumbling an apology, he was surprised to see Cassian there. “Hey, watch- Bodhi?”

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there.” 

“I’m the one in the floor. I’m sorry.” 

“What are you doing in the floor?”

Cassian straightened up and crossed his legs. He showed Bodhi the datapad he was holding. “Going through some paperwork.”

That didn’t explain why he was going through some paperwork on the floor in the middle of the night, but Bodhi just nodded.

“What are you doing here?” Cassian asked. “You should be in bed.”

“ _You_ should be in bed.” Bodhi fired back. 

“And neither of us are in bed. Do you want to sit?” He asked, and Bodhi sat down next to him, rubbing his eyes. 

They sat in silence for a moment, Cassian returning to his work and Bodhi simply hearing the tapping sounds of fingers against the datapad. He hadn’t realised he was yawning until he caught Cassian glancing at him. 

“What?” 

“You should go back to sleep, Bodhi.”

“I’m not-” He cut himself off to stifle a yawn.

“Yeah, I don’t think so. I’ll take you back to your bunk.” Cassian began to stand up, and Bodhi stopped him by grabbing his arm.

“I’d rather stay here, if it’s okay.” 

Cassian looked as if he wanted to protest, but in the end he sat back down. “Okay. But I think you’re going to fall asleep, anyway.”

He was right. Bodhi fell asleep a few minutes later, lulled by those tapping noises and the warmth irradiated by Cassian next to him. When he was woken up by Cassian, it was daylight, and there was a pillow behind his head.

 

Cassian, K-2SO, Jyn, and Bodhi went to the hangar to say goodbye to Chirrut and Baze. They had been planning the trip for a few weeks now, and they were given a ship to take them to the planet they had chosen.

“Don’t be sad.” Chirrut said, coming up behind Bodhi and making him jump. “We don’t have many friends, we won’t lose touch with the few ones we have.”

Bodhi didn’t have to ask him how he knew he was sad. He was sure Chirrut could sense it, somehow. Had he believed in the Force, he would have blamed it on that.

“I know. It’s just...not the same.”

“You can come visit, whenever you want to. We’ll be happy to have you, once we settle. But first, you should start thinking about you, and your future.”

“We should- we should go with the others.” Bodhi replied. He felt a sharp pain on his arm as Chirrut hit with with his staff.

“Those negative thoughts you have, they won’t let you live the life you deserve, Bodhi. We’ve all done things we regret, but if you ask me, you’ve already done enough to make it up for your past.”

“It’s not about making it up. It’s about…”

“Being enough. That’s what bothers you, isn’t it?”

Bodhi looked away, at the others, gathered outside the ship Chirrut and Baze were going to use. Baze waved at them and nodded at the ship. 

“It’s time for us to go.” Chirrut then said. “I know words may not be what you need at the moment, but I see the goodness in you, Bodhi. Those who try their hardest to do things right, are the purest souls. When you see it, too, everything will be clear.”

“Thank you.” Bodhi whispered, blinking back tears. He was really going to miss them.

The ship’s pilot had arrived and was warming the engine as they shared their goodbyes. Chirrut was talking to Cassian as Baze approached him and held out his hand. Bodhi shook it and was surprised at how gentle the grip was.

“I meant it.” He said. “He really grew fond of you. Expect constant messages from him. Take care of yourself.”

They entered the ship, Baze behind Chirrut, trying to help him while the other just shrugged him off with a smile and waved at them, as if knowing where they were standing. They weren’t surprised by it anymore. They stayed and watched the ship fly away and disappear in the sky. 

“Are you blushing?” Bodhi asked Cassian once he stopped looking up. Next to him, Jyn and K2 shared knowing glances. 

“I must be hot.” Cassian replied.

“Your core temperature is normal, Cassian.” K2 said. “I think you’re experiencing a physical response to master Imwe’s words.” Now Jyn was trying not to smile, covering her mouth with her hand.

“Shut it, Kay.” Cassian said. 

 

“What did Chirrut Imwe say?” Bodhi asked K2 and Jyn once Cassian left the hangar for a meeting. 

“He gave him some love advice.” Jyn said. 

“Love advice? I didn’t know Cassian…”

“You should talk to him.” K2 cut him off. “Before this all go wrong. I can tell you the possibilities of it, actually.”

“No, thank you.” Bodhi muttered. “This is about me, isn't it?”

A nod was enough answer to get his heart racing. In another time, it would have been a good thing. Now, it made him sick to his stomach.

“I have to talk to him.”

As he turned to leave, he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Bodhi. Cassian is a good man, remember? He can handle rejection.”

Bodhi nodded silently before he walked away. 

 

Bodhi waited for Cassian outside the meeting room.

When Bodhi met the others for the first time, he knew they got him out of the cell because they needed him for some reason. He helped Cassian to get to the location to the Imperial research facility, and then acted as the pilot to take a team of rebels to Scarif. He had thought that their interactions were merely to achieve a common goal.

That was before. Now, it was different.

Bodhi only remembered one friend in the Empire. He was his copilot in a few missions, before he died in a bar fight. He drank too much, his breath stank, and he spoke too loudly, but he was his friend. He didn’t even have the time to mourn him.

Not everyone in the Empire was bad. Most of them were soldiers that were trying not to die, rushed into the war hoping to secure their family or their planet. 

There were good people, drawn there because of circumstance. Problem was, Bodhi never had the luck to met them. 

Most relationships were short lived and usually happened because both parts needed something from each other. It was better than getting attached. To Bodhi, it made sense. He didn’t think it was possible to learn to care about someone else when no one was safe.

 

He had never thought things would change so much for him. Bodhi was afraid, yes, but he was willing to face death if it was what it took to complete his mission. But he wasn’t dead, he was alive and learning to do something he loved, and for once, he believed that maybe all the war and the destruction and death it brought had a chance to end. 

He had more friends now. And they weren’t friends just for convenience.

“Cassian!” He called when he saw the other exit the meeting room. Cassian smiled and walked up to him. Bodhi took in a deep breath, fidgeting with the strips of his goggles. “Do you have a moment?”

“Yeah, what is it?” He asked, starting to walk to the hallway that led to the bunks.

“I think there’s something we need to talk about.” 

“Oh?” Cassian stopped walking and turned to Bodhi. He just nodded, looking away. “I… I think I know what this is about. Come, I know a place.”

Cassian took Bodhi to a bench just outside the bunks. It was close to the laundry room, and the moisture of the place made moss grow in between the cracks of the buildings. The bench was also covered in the moss.  
“It’s harmless.” Cassian said when he saw Bodhi eyeing it. “I wanted to talk in a less crowded space, with less noise…”

Bodhi nodded, making sure he sat on the site of the bed with less moss. Cassian looked amused at his efforts.

“I just don’t want to sit on it. It’s...rude.” 

“For the moss?”

“It doesn’t make sense, I know.”

“No, no…” His expression turned soft. He sighed, running a hand down his face. “We should talk. This is about what Chirrut Imwe said, right?”

“I like you, Cassian.” Bodhi said, afraid he would never said if he kept it any longer. “And you like me, too.”

Cassian nodded, licking his lips. He had chapped lips, Bodhi noted. He quickly looked away, cheeks turning a faint red. “I don’t...know, if I’m ready to do something about it.”

“I… I wanted to wait.” Cassian confessed. “A small squadron of starfighters is being put together to destroy the Death Star, now that we have the plans. I wanted to wait til that happened to tell you. I don’t feel ready either.”

Bodhi finally met Cassian’s eyes. He looked worried, awaiting Bodhi’s reaction. The absurdity of it made Bodhi smile. 

“What?” Cassian asked with a slight frown, but smiling a little as well.

“Nothing, it’s… I was worried about what you’d say.”

“I know that its destruction will not be the end of the war,” Cassian said, with a gloomy tone that made him sound older, “but it will make the future a little lighter. Safer.”

“I hope so.” Bodhi agreed softly.

“I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t fighting this fight. But this plan, it gives me hope that maybe, I can have a life outside the war. And I want you to be part of that life, Bodhi.”

Bodhi was sure he was looking ridiculous, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. “I’d like that, too. Friends, or…”

Cassian placed his hand atop Bodhi’s. “Take your time. Whatever you decide, I’ll be here.”

“Does holding hands count as something friends do?”  
“If you want it to be.”

“I want it to be.” Bodhi intertwined his fingers with Cassian. “Thank you, Cassian.”

 

“What do we tell Jyn and K2?” 

“We tell them nothing. They need to stop gossiping about me.”

 

Bodhi felt as if a weight was off his chest.

He asked Jyn to teach him how to spar, and in between that, his conversations with K2 (who was now teaching him binary), and his flying lessons, he kept himself busy.

After a long discussion with High Command, Cassian and Bodhi managed to let Bodhi help in the control room. Cassian never forgot Bodhi’s comment about feeling useless, and helped him get one of the limited jobs they were allowed to do.

Chirrut and Baze sent them messages via HoloNet. They looked happy where they were, and while the Alliance had given them money to get settled, Chirrut continued working as a future teller (“Old habits.” He shrugged.) Baze did works here and there, but never returned to his life as an assassin (“He told me I would sleep on the floor if I do.” Baze said, and Chirrut grinned.)

Bodhi had feared that his friendship with Cassian would deteriorate after the conversation they had. It was quite the opposite, actually. When they weren’t busy, they would hang out, usually with K2 and Jyn, but mostly alone. 

“You’re his second best friend.” K2 told him one day.

“Second?”

“Of course, I’m his first.”

 

They were lying outside the base at night, in the same garden Bodhi had joined Chirrut in his meditations once. Cassian had brought a blanket for them to lay in, and Bodhi had brought some holovids.

The next day, a squadron of starfighters leaded by one Luke Skywalker would destroy the Death Star.

“I had a nightmare last night.” Bodhi started quietly, looking up at the starred sky. This was the first time they saw each other that day. It had been quite a busy week.

Cassian turned to lay on his side, turning his attention on Bodhi.

“I’ve had similar ones, but this was different. I used to dream I drowned in blood. The blood of the people that died because of me.” He shook his head when he saw Cassian open his mouth to argue out of the corner of his eyes. “At first, I thought it was that, but it wasn’t blood. It was a red cloth.”

Bodhi sat down. “Chirrut told me something about that. He told me a negative state of mind was like a pitch-black cloth. That if I wanted to dye the cloth, I’d have to make it white again.”

Cassian was staring intently at him, brows furrowed. “The cloth is not black. It’s red. But I’m trying. I’m trying my best to dye it white.”

Bodhi knew Cassian wouldn’t understand it, but he wanted to share it. He shared a lot of things with Cassian nowadays.

“You are.” Cassian spoke up for the first time. “And I think you’re doing a great job.”

Bodhi smiled at him and told him to choose a holovid. They only had a few hours before they had to get back to the base.

Cassian set the datapad in between them and played the holovid, and Bodhi watching him, thought racing in his head. He was thinking of the events of the day after, and the events _after_ the day. 

He had asked K2 for help, and he had only answered: “Just kiss him.”

He was ready, he thought, as Cassian, his best friend, turned to him with a smile. 

“Are you okay? You seem spacey.”

“Yeah, sorry. ” 

Cassian just gave him a weird look and the smile he usually reserved for when he was amused at something Bodhi had said.

Bodhi smiled back and turned his head to look at the holovid. Bodhi had brought a bunch, but Cassian still had chosen the one Bodhi had commented once it was really good. Yes, he thought, smiling to himself. He was ready.


End file.
